


Anniversary of the Year

by ArrowheadProductions



Series: Milestones [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: 8 Bats and a Baby, Awkward Flirting, Babies, Babysitting, Barbara Gordon is Batgirl, Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Batfamily Feels, Big Brother Dick Grayson, But they have their alter egos, Cassandra Cain is Black Bat, Dad Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne is Robin, Dick Grayson is Batman, Emotional Baggage, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Island Getaway, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Kidnapping, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, M/M, Marriage, Mentions of past sexual assault, Mild Sexual Content, Mom Selina Kyle, No Masks, Original villain - Freeform, Plot Twists, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reimagined Character, Resurfacing exes, Road Trips, Romance, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Stephanie Brown is Spoiler, Teen Angst, Their shit still isn't together folks, This ones a little darker, Tim Drake is Nightwing, cabin fever, couples retreat, grandpa alfred, kind of, yes you read that correctly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-04-05 11:42:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14043534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArrowheadProductions/pseuds/ArrowheadProductions
Summary: Exactly 1 year after the events surrounding their exciting nuptials, new-parents Bruce and Selina leave their newborn in the hands of the rest of their family so they can embark on a much-needed vacation. They should be a whole year wiser, right? Wrong.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Unlike "Wedding of the Year", this takes place in a week-long period of time and will likely be a little darker. The M rating won't be too prevalent outside of some mild sexual content and maybe a little violence (nothing gory though).

Selina scrambled as she fumbled to throw together the last remnants of the items she needed to pack. Why did everything have to be everywhere that she wasn't and never where she needed it to be? She could feel Bruce's calm stare from the doorway and knew he wouldn't dare to ask her to hurry. He'd seen her strung out and anxious too many times in the past calendar year to make that mistake more than 10 times. Instead, he was silent and somehow, that could be worse sometimes. A part of her hated this newfound tension that always took camp in between her shoulder blades. It was horrifying, gut-wrenching, even, the idea that one mistake could unfold the entire tower of perfection she strove to complete.

And she was never a perfectionist before Helena. 

The moment she saw that baby's gray blob on the moving images, she realized she'd never settle for less since she'd already created it once. This didn't mean she expected perfection of her daughter, but she needed to be the perfect mom, the mom Selina never knew. It became painstakingly clear during the days approaching her due date that if she failed at everything else in this life, it wouldn't matter if she was still a good mom to her daughter. She used to like to think of herself as strong and independent, but one look at Helena Wayne and that all crumbled to bits. She took her down in ways villains never could. She should have been kryptonite, but she was somehow more of an enhancer. She made her want to be better, to make the world better, to make life better. 

This was why the very idea of leaving her 3 month old baby behind as she wined and dined on the coast seemed like a ludicrous idea. How was she supposed to protect her if she was out of sight? She couldn't do that over the phone. At least when she  _did_ separate from Helena, Bruce was always there. He'd taken paternity leave from Wayne Enterprises as well as from his night job. He'd been home pretty much nonstop for the past 6 months with Dick being kind enough to temporarily take over as Batman. Selina had to be on bed-rest for the final trimester of her pregnancy and required him at her side. He dutifully obliged and she couldn't believe, for the umpteenth time, that he was actually hers.

He actually never seemed more rested than the past 3 months with their beautiful and healthy baby daughter. Even after nights of spending countless hours trying to nurse her back to sleep, Bruce still seemed more serene the next morning than he had as Batman. Maybe this was because dealing with a screaming baby was, while heartbreaking to the weak, nothing in comparison to witnessing actual death and destruction. That didn't mean Bruce didn't have the most torn expression on his face whenever little Helena decided she was going to twist up her face, go red, and scream. It broke Selina's heart just looking at Bruce, let alone the baby.

When she finally (not without having to put all of her weight on the bag) zipped up the suitcase, she turned around in satisfaction at her husband and their baby daughter. To some, it was not ideal to get pregnant immediately into marriage, but neither were even sure this opportunity would arrive to them. Bruce felt he'd missed his chances at raising a baby from the beginning and Selina always deemed herself emotionally unfit for motherhood.

Helena beamed at her mother, a new and welcomed thing she'd been doing a lot lately. They certainly preferred it to the screaming.

"Do we have to leave her?" She almost whined as she scooped the pudgy baby from Bruce's arms and planted a kiss into soft chestnut hair. Wide blues eyes blinked up at her as the gummy smile broadened and little fingers reached out in an effort to grab her mother's chin. With one finger, Bruce let her wrap her hands around him and gently toyed with them. Happy gurgles and giggles followed.

"She's like her mother. She doesn't make anything easy, especially leaving." And he was looking at his daughter like he had nonstop for the past 3 months, since the moment he first laid eyes on her, like she was the entire world. Or maybe it was more appropriate to say that his entire world revolved around her. 

She stuck her tongue out at him. "You're evil."

He chuckled softly and gently pushed hair behind her ear and tipped her chin up so she was looking up into his dark blue depths. "We need this. I found you crying in the tub last week, because you were so stressed."

"I couldn't find the bubble bath."

"I think the resort provides bubble bath."

She sighed and looked back down to their daughter. "I know you're right. I'm starting to get cabin fever within these walls."

He kissed her forehead, hearing the residual hesitation in her voice. "We'll call every night."

"Every morning too."

"I had Barbara set up a feed that allows me to tap into the baby monitoring camera in her crib at all times, even remotely."

"God bless the Oracle."

"Batgirl... Actually, I'm not sure what she's going as these days."

She scoffed. "Dick's Batman, Babs is ever shifting between Batgirl and Oracle, Tim is now Nightwing?"

"Temporarily."

"It's still weird."

"Someone needed to look after Bludhaven and he and Conner seem to be doing nicely there."

"That seems to be the place to go when you're angry at the Batman."

"History repeats itself." He groaned and she regretted the comment as it clearly brought up negative memories.

"Still hasn't thawed, huh?" 

The sadness in his eyes deepened and he shook his head.

"He's being Nightwing, so I'm not sure what that means, but no, as far as I know, they haven't spoken."

"He'll come around."

"I hope so. I hope they at least work it out for this week."

Fire burned in her stare. "Oh, if any of those dinguses do anything that so much as moves a hair on Helena's head, this kitty is letting out the claws again."

"I'm gonna miss her too." He said softly. "But she'll be in good hands."

* * *

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE GREMLIN!" Tim shouted as he chased Damian down the stairs and through the foyer, straight past Stephanie and Cassandra in a motion so fast, it made their hair swoosh like a gust of wind blew by. 

"YOU STARTED IT YOU BASTARD!"

"I'M THE BASTARD? YOU ARE THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF A BASTARD!"

A moment later, Jason came chasing after them with his phone visibly on video recording mode.

"This is  _so_ going on youtube."

Tim, having longer and stronger legs, managed to catch up to his little brother in a full on tackle that resulted in the two of them rolling into the pond with a  _kerplunk_ and for a moment, the struggle died down and the girls wondered if they were going to have to perform a scuba rescue mission for the two boys. However, both surfaced and the wrestling continued. Jason moved closer to get a good shot of the struggle in the reasonably shallow water and made no moves to stopping the scuffle. It even seemed like he was making some attempt at encouraging them to speak clearer.

Of course, this resulted in the two of them yanking him in too, phone and all.

"I doubt he upgraded to waterproof." Cassandra sighed.

"Was Tim wearing a diaper?" Steph asked.

"It appears so."

 

 


	2. How Far We've Come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions rise just in time to set the pace for an awkward week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting a new thing for this story where each chapter title will be the name of the song that I wrote it to/the song that inspired it. This way, at the end, there will be a playlist of sorts.
> 
> "How Far We've Come" by Matchbox Twenty

"I can't believe we have to pick up your boyfriend." Dick joked as he and Barbara pulled outside of Duke's apartment.

She rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot."

He rested his arm on the back of their seats so his hand brushed her shoulder. "I am _your_ idiot, though."

"Hmm." She smiled. "I suppose that's acceptable."

"You suppose? Acceptable?" He sat back in mock affront. "Perhaps I should be jealous."

"Oh, yes. Please be jealous of the 19 year old kid that dresses in a lemon-colored suit at night." She laughed.

"I wore pixie boots and a speedo and you fell for me. Maybe you're the weirdo. Ever think of that?"

"It was the legs." She teased. "They were nicer than any woman's I'd ever seen so I couldn't resist."

"You're damn straight." 

Before she could continue their banter, he leaned over the console and cut her off with a kiss. Despite the awkwardness of their current positioning- them parked outside of Duke's apartment in broad daylight, him stretched over the console, and her still seatbelted in place- she did her best to respond by threading her fingers in his dark waves that were as short as he'd ever had them since his Robin days. It was styled much better, though.

They'd been a solid couple with zero breaks or breakups for the past year. Hell, there hadn't even been any fights that escalated to the point of suggesting either either option. It was anything but an easy year for them as individuals too. For once, it felt like it was always more sensible to hold onto each other instead of the alternative of pushing each other away. It just made more sense to be together and work through their issues together. It was like they were growing up, but not thinking about it. Somewhere in the past few months, they'd moved in together in the most natural way. His lease in Bludhaven was up, he was never sleeping Bludhaven anyway (given he'd always end up in her  _much_ more hospitable apartment in Gotham), so she told him to drop the lease. He moved what little things he had in and voila, they were a live-in couple. None of it was scary either.

It was a good thing they had moved in together, because she wouldn't have seen him had they not. With his being Batman now and temporarily taking over as head of the family, he was always running himself ragged. She knew he had to do it for Bruce so that he could adjust as a father, but it was a hefty load for the ever determined and emotionally-giving Dick Grayson to uphold. In some ways, it was like Dick had taken over as adoptive father while Bruce got to play first time Daddy with Helena and Selina. She knew, logically, that this was not the case, but that the other 3 boys interpreted it that way.

Of course, some lashed out at Dick, because despite all appearances, he was not perfect.

His appearances were, though.

She knew his heart was broken over his current falling out with Tim, even if she felt both were being kind of stupid in their own right. They both had points too, but she was doing her best to stay out of it. What Tim couldn't say, was that Dick didn't care. And he cared so much, too much, for his own good. If anyone tried to say he wasn't trying his hardest to be the best role model he could be, she'd have to start kicking some serious bird-butt.

And for the millionth time that year and all the years she'd known him, as he smiled against her mouth before deepening the kiss, she thought:

_"My God, I love him."_

Before the exchange could roam into less appropriate waters, she gently pushed him back, a grin of her own matching his.

"Alright, that's enough you animal." There was no severity to her voice. "Duke is coming out."

Sure enough, the teenager did come out of his apartment and waved at them before going over to the car. Dick fist-bumped him after he got settled in the backseat. They were all holing up at the manor while Bruce and Selina were away on their anniversary trip. Each were responsible for shifts with baby Helena, presumably because Bruce wanted each of them to bond with the baby, wanted someone physically capable of defending the baby from violent attack at all times, and because he didn't want the whole load to be on Alfred for a change. She and Dick would have the luxury of sleeping in separate rooms since Alfred somehow had himself convinced that they were all prudes despite the fact that every single bat-kid with the exception of Damian (and maybe Cass) had kinky sex of some form in that mansion. 

"You ready for the sleepover of your life?" Dick asked as he began driving them over.

"I'm ready for all the tea." Duke snickered.

"Alfred does make good tea, but I only like mine with a lot of sugar."

"He means like drama or gossip, you dork." Babs sighed and looked back to Duke. "Sorry about him, you'll have better luck with Bruce knowing modern slang sometimes."

"Hey! I'm hip!"

Yeah, yeah Gramps, we get it." 

Duke openly laughed. "Oh God, it's gonna be a long week."

"Come on, I feel like we can have a chill babysitting week." Dick said. "Our family isn't that crazy."

* * *

 

Jason was used to disappointing his father. Even before he died the first time he got used to that disapproving stare that would send a chill down Deathstroke's spine, but not Jason's. He knew all too well how to push buttons and usually enjoyed the response. There was a silent treatment that was supposed to make the other person feel uncomfortable, but he just used that time to think about important things like dinner or his weekend plans. After that, there was a period where he was expected to sit down while Bruce stood and paced with purpose, as if he was trying to create a rut in the ground. This made him sleepier than concerned, as the motions were so monotonous. Then, Bruce would turn with his icy stare that wasn't unlike his interrogation stare again actual evil, and say:

"I'm very disappointed in you."

Though, Jason wasn't used to be on the outside of this speech, as it was Tim and Damian (mostly Damian) that were currently receiving it. Apparently, filming the extravaganza just wasn't as bad as shoving everyone into the pond and dressing someone up in a diaper. Or maybe Bruce didn't know he'd been trying to film it. For all he knew, he was trying to stop the entanglement. Jason thought it was a decent prank, but realized now might not be the time to mention that. He made a mental note to ask the little grinch how he managed to put the diaper on Tim. It was all very impressive and he couldn't help but feel he'd learned such skill from Jason.

Was he proud of his little brother?

"Tt." He shrugged off the statement with indifference. "Drake had it coming."

So here they were: Tim and Damian respectively wrapped in fluffy towels that had their initials embroidered into the bottom, Tim was now changed into a pair of sweatpants as opposed to the soggy diaper that was infused with pond water, Jason actually stood behind Bruce instead of receiving admonishment, Stephanie and Cass were off to the side laughing and whispering about their dumb brothers, Alfred stood off too and was likely wondering just when this would go further off the rails, and Selina didn't seem nearly as enraged as she held their daughter.

 _"Holy shit, I think I am proud."_ Jason thought.

"How?" Tim, who was tightened his grip on the towel he was wrapped in, shivered as he glared at Damian. "How the hell did I deserve to be stripped from my clothes-"

"-and your dignity." Steph added.

He turned his annoyed stare to her. "- _and_ my dignity... to be placed in a diaper?"

"You called me a baby." Damian huffed. "I showed you what a baby really looked like."

"You proved my point!" Tim countered.

"Both of you need to cut it out." Bruce's voice was final.

"Just us? Jason was filming it!" 

"Uh..." Jason stammered. "To  _show_ Bruce what you rascals were doing."

Steph and Cass giggled while Bruce massaged his temples.

"Oh yeah right. That's why you were laughing and telling Damian he should have gotten a pacifier and rattle to go with the ensemble!" Tim glowered. 

"Fuck you, Replacement! Do you want to personally run me over with the bus you've thrown me under or are you too busy sucking your thumb and crying foul?"

"Language, Master Jason!" Alfred snapped.

Jason looked slightly apologetic at the older man and briefly resembled a kicked puppy before Tim fired back and yanked him back into the fight.

"You're the one who taught him the whole dressing up stunt!"

"I don't need to learn from anyone how to fool you." Damian returned. "Especially since I perfected Todd's model prank on me."

"It's true." Jason nodded. "I'm still confused how he stripped you without you noticing."

"Well, don't make it sound like I sexually assaulted him. He has boxers on. I wasn't exposing myself to  _that_." 

"YOU TOOK MY CLOTHES OFF WHILE I SLEPT!"

"AND PUT YOU IN A DIAPER BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A BABY! IT'S CALLED FACING CONSEQUENCES."

"Wow." Cass mused and nudged Steph. "Now  _this_ should be filmed."

"ENOUGH!" Selina managed to break over the shroud of fighting with a whistle while Bruce shouted over everyone in his greatest and most booming Batman voice he could muster. Everyone immediately fell silent while Alfred rubbed his ears. Baby Helena, somehow, managed to remain fast asleep for the present moment. The baby was outstanding at falling asleep in noise. Selina guessed that Gotham's business helped condition the baby for that.

After waiting for it to get painfully quiet for a change and everyone seemed to fall in line, Bruce skipped the pacing this time and went right into it.

"You do realize what's about to happen, right? I'm not going to be here. There isn't going to be a safety net."

His eyes fell to Damian and Tim.

"I can't be worried about the state of my household and of Gotham while I'm away."

"It was fine while we were on the honeymoon." Selina offered.

"There wasn't a baby then." He stated. "I can't trust them to do both jobs."

"So what? You getting an English nanny?" Jason asked.

"No."

"French?"

"No."

"Italian?"

"No."

"Oooh Brazilian?"

"We're _not_ getting a nanny." Selina rolled her eyes. "And if we were, she'd be ugly."

"Surely, you're enlisting the authorities to look after my sister as opposed to an inexperienced dolt from the internet." Damian said. "I will not have her corrupted by some valley girl that cannot count past 100."

"I clearly can't trust you to do both jobs, since you have zero regard for what's at stake here, so I'm benching all of you."

"All of us?" Tim's jaw dropped. "I'm the victim here!"

"You're the older brother. You didn't have to push him in the pond in response." Bruce shook his head. "And Dick will go out as Batman while Barbara acts as Oracle."

Damian launched up. "And you expect Batman to fight alone? Without a Robin?"

"He's done it before." Bruce gritted. "Batwoman and her partners as well as the Birds of Prey will also be in town if necessary for coverage."

"I-  _We_ didn't even do anything!" Steph referred to herself and Cass.

"Cassandra is allowed to suit up if she so wishes." He nodded at his daughter and his eyes softened when he glanced at Stephanie. "However, you have not been present in the field for a year. I don't want you out there without a proper safety net."

"This is bullshit. I've gotten the green-light for physical activity."

"Language." Alfred groaned.

"That's for sex, not for roundhouse kicking baddies." Selina corrected. "Otherwise, I'd be out there too."

Bruce gave her a confused look before turning to Jason, who was next to object.

"I'm not underage! You can't choose whether I can or can't hit the streets."

"I did lock up your artillery, suit, helmet, bike, and freeze your accounts. Only Barbara has the password."

"Are you fucking kidding me? This is so typical. You're using this bullshit sibling fight as an excuse for what you've already planned for weeks and that's hanging us by our nutsacks so we can't do what we do best. And for what? So Dick can be in even more trouble out there, more people can die, so your ego can inflate while your conscience gets heavier? Just the way you like it."

"There is a baby present!" Alfred held Helena out to show Jason, who looked guilty again until he looked back to Bruce and reignited his anger.

Bruce sighed. "I don't care about my ego, Jason. I just want you all to be safe and you three have been incredibly reckless as of late. I cannot have you taking care of Helena and also risking your necks if you're going to half-ass both with tomfoolery."

"So you want us around your kid MORE? No way. Your logic makes no sense."

"I'm hoping it'll teach you something about responsibility."

"Yeah, and saving the city doesn't require that." Tim muttered.

"Now why is it, that you all are always  _insisting_ you are ready for more responsibility, that you're adults, that you deserve my constant and unwavering trust? And yet, an opportunity presents itself for you to earn the respect you crave and you all manage to instantly forget how to be functioning human beings, let alone adults. Then, somehow its my fault for not being a proper leader. No, you are all having the week off from crimefighting to reassess why it is you do what you do and to get better in touch with your nurturing side."

"We're getting nurturing lessons from the Batman? This isn't real." Stephanie said.

"Of course his golden and favorite boy, Dickie, gets to go out and play dad for the week even though he's the flakiest out of all of us." Jason said.

"Grayson is not flaky and would be twice the father than you could ever be." Damian snapped.

"Oh good. Glad his #1 fan is here to defend him even if he can't. Where is your pride and joy, Brucie?"

"Dick is not my favorite, because I don't have a favorite, but he has been taking on a lot of responsibility lately." Bruce said. "And he will be in charge, second in command only to Alfred, this week. So you will answer to him."

"Look, you can kick me out of being Red Hood for the week, but you can  _never_ make me listen to  _Dick_." Jason chuckled. "That's a fairytale right here, because newsflash: Dick ain't a genius."

"I agree." Tim said abruptly.

"That's right. Timmers is hatin' on big bro lately." Jason mused. "This is amazing. Everyone is doing my job lately. Damian is pranking, Tim is being angsty and hating Dick, Steph is trying to make irresponsible life choices, Bruce is being an asshole, and Cass died a little bit a few months ago. Holy shit, maybe I've turned a corner and now all of you are the screwups now."

"Congratulations." Steph grumbled. "Let us all know when the party is."

"Honestly, the only people I like in this room are Helena and Alfred."

Selina frowned. "The hell did I do?"

"Married him." He pointed to Bruce. "You were probably better off."

She rolled her eyes. "Look, Bruce and I are just worried about leaving the baby alone for the first time."

"Alone?" Cass said. "There will be 7 of us."

"8."

"8?"

"Duke will be over as well."

"Did you clip his wings too?" Tim asked.

"He has accepted the time off gracefully, unlike  _some_." He glared at them.

"Probably too new to know how demeaning it is." Steph said.

"Do you understand that I am entrusting you all with my child? With my baby? You are looking after my blood for the week. I've seen the dangers and the horrors that this world can bring upon people and I have endured too many to go through even the thought of losing Helena." His voice didn't shake in the slightest, but everyone could sense the rare influx of emotion that filled the statement.

Damian, however, broke his silence. "And what does that make me?"

Bruce looked at him. "What?"

"You speak as though we are not your children, like I am not your blood." 

There was silence as Bruce struggled to find his words. It was like someone robbed him off his breath and that in the sheer moment of expressed emotion, he'd slipped up. He hadn't meant to discredit Damian or discount any of the others, but there was no doubt to anyone, even if it was never expressed, that this situation was way different for Bruce than any of the others had been. This time, he'd been given a new slab of clay to form with happiness and vitality. The others were older and usually a lot broken by their circumstances. He hadn't gotten the chance to shield them from the world like he'd wanted. He hadn't gotten to hold them as babies and kiss their soft heads as they lulled off into a safe sleep. He hadn't gotten to experience any of the firsts, just do his best to make sure they didn't meet their lasts under his watch. It didn't mean he loved Helena more or the others any less, just that he hadn't gotten the chance to see them from their beginning.

"I didn't meant that." He finally said, but it was too late. He'd taken too long to recover.

"Yes you did. She matters more to you."

"She's more delicate."

"And you are getting the chance to have an actual family, one that we will always be on the outside of."

 _One that I will always be on the outside of_.

"That's not true." Selina immediately jumped in. "Helena being around doesn't change the fact that-"

"-I'm his son." He cut her off and looked to his father. "But Helena is his only child by blood and by choice." 

The tension and silence in the room could have drowned them all.

Just then, Dick burst through the door as obnoxiously as humanly possible. "The bat-sitter has arrived!"

Barbara and Duke followed suit and the three of them instantly noticed the awkwardness of the room. It was an odd visual. Damian looked more upset than angry or infuriated, which was odd, Bruce looked stunned, Selina looked unsure, Jason was already starting to crack thanks to Dick's dramatic entrance and was chuckling softly, Tim looked anywhere  _but_ at Dick, Stephanie and Cassandra immediately hugged Barbara, and Alfred looked about done with everyone.

"What the hell is happening?" Babs whispered to Steph as she hugged her back. "Why are they wet?"

"Oh, you are so gonna love babysitting this week."

 


	3. Under Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First-time parents are crazy and should be expected to act as such.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Under Pressure" by Queen

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing here?" Bruce leaned on the counter across from Alfred, who was stirring what he assumed was a homemade pudding of sorts. It had always been Alfred's philosophy that all gatherings, particularly those that incited controversy, required food (specifically  _his_ food) as a proper buffer that would eventually calm the guests down. Last Thanksgiving, after Tim lashed out at Dick and kickstarted the current mess that was their awkward dynamic, Alfred was sure to make sure both boys ate a ridiculous amount of turkey so they were too stuffed and eventually fell asleep. It didn't fix anything per say, but it allowed everyone else to salvage the evening. 

"Would my opinion change your mind, sir?"

"It'd be nice to know where you stand."

Noting that this was neither a yes or a no, Alfred sighed. "I understand they've been lashing out and this has transpired into their nightly activities, but it could be more beneficial discovering the source of their anguish as opposed to pulling the rug from under them, so to speak."

"So," Bruce raised an eyebrow. "That's a "no" to my initial question."

"I agree with your intentions. You are going to be gone without any real communication on a vacation you deserve more than anyone with the woman you love. You want your new child to be in protective and capable hands. You do not want your children to die, because you've decided to live your life for a change. I agree with all of the above, Master Bruce, I do. I still hold my breath every time those kids and you put on your armor and go to war each night. I'm never calm until you all return safe and sound."

"Cassandra died." He said quietly.

"And much with the trend of death in this house, she came back." He said. "The quickest to return, actually."

"She still flatlined and it was all because we didn't have our heads in the game." 

"I believe Scarecrow's newest concoction was more at fault for that."

"Someone should have had her back." He emphasized. "Everyone failed her that night. Dick should have  _known_ that Jason had skipped out on patrol. As leader, you're supposed to know the constant whereabouts of your team, even if they hate you for it. Barbara's tech should have worked so she could have called for backup. Jason shouldn't have skipped patrol under any circumstances. Tim shut off his communications. He intended to only block Dick out, but he'd cut off all communication. Damian was too easily defeated by those guards, because he hadn't been going to sleep on time on school nights. And me? I wasn't there. Everyone needs to figure out what it means to be here and that it always requires your A-game."

"Perhaps, but they are human and humans make mistakes."

"Line forms behind me. I just want them to be better than me and I think everyone needs time off. I'd bench all of them if I could, but Gotham needs somebody." 

"That it does, sir, but so do they."

"I'm not going to be around forever and they need to learn they have each other."

"So," Alfred imitated Bruce. "This is a "no" to  _my_ initial question?"

* * *

 

Selina could admit this afternoon had quickly transpired from nervous jitters to full-blown family drama in a matter of seconds. She loved her husband dearly, but the man did know how to stir the pot. Everyone pretty much hated everyone, especially the boys. Then again, maybe their united disdain for Bruce and his decision-making was going to unite them and knowing Bruce, this was what he wanted. He wanted them to function and perform like a team and ever since Cassandra nearly met her maker, things had been rather bumpy. She resolved that this was all because everyone was sort of shoved into positions that they didn't want. Dick didn't want to be Batman, even if he never said it. Tim didn't seem to embrace the idea of being Nightwing, resulting in his current feud with Dick. Stephanie hated her short run as Oracle while Barbara had a conniption about Stephanie getting peanut butter all over the keys. Damian's beef didn't have much to do with being Robin, per say, but more to do with his lack of acceptance of Helena.

Honestly, Helena was the most agreeable of this family, even when she refused to take a nap.

"Hey." Dick said to Tim, an attempted olive branch of sorts.

Tim looked him up and down before looking away. "Hey."

"So, uh, I'm sorry about the whole benching thing. Bruce is well... Bruce."

"Yeah, and I expect this kind of thing from  _him_."

Damian leaped into the conversation. "Grayson! You knew about this?"

"Of course he did." Jason laughed. "The Batmen of the group probably held a private quorum and discussed what would make us the most miserable."

"It's to keep you safe." He tried. "I don't agree with it."

"But you're going along with it." Tim countered.

"Sure he is. Daddy knows best." Jason said. 

"Stop trying to stir shit up, Jason." Barbara frowned. "That was last year's shtick."

He clasped his mouth shut at the admonishment.

"And who's supposed to have  _your_ back?" Stephanie asked. "I thought this whole thing stemmed from lack of backup."

"This whole _thing_ stemmed from lack of teamwork." Bruce interjected and as he entered the room, everyone fell silent. 

Selina sighed. This was likely going to get a lot worse before it got better. The only positive was that they were going to be on a plane in a little over an hour and far away from these problems. What awaited them when they returned, was a different story. She didn't necessarily agree with any of this either, but then again, she was never one to adhere to punishment as a child. She lived on her own and made her own rules. If she wanted to be reckless, she was reckless. Now, it wasn't just about her anymore and there were rules. If she had it her way, they would have just left Helena with Alfred, the bona fide baby whisperer, and be done with it. Instead, Bruce wanted to make this a learning experience for everyone involved. She just wished their infant wasn't the test rat.

But she knew they all had good intentions and every one of these kids would likely throw themselves in the line of fire to protect her baby, even if they'd never admit it (Damian). 

"If any of you need to talk, we can have a chat when I get back next week. I'm not trying to punish you-"

"Seriously?" Jason scoffed. "Don't try and bullshit us with the idea that you're giving us a vacation too."

"I want Helena to be your top priority." He sighed. "And that is why this will no longer occur as I've stated before."

"So we can be our superhero selves?" Stephanie eagerly asked.

"Or somebody  _else's_." Tim glared at Dick, who ignored his jaded gaze by focusing his confusion on Bruce. 

Dick didn't agree with banning everyone from going out for the week. Not completely, anyway. While he knew it was unfair on so many levels, particularly to those of age like Jason, who could make their own decisions. However, the idea of not having everyone's lives in the palm of his hand eased him significantly. He'd been Batman for the past few months and while he was basically hating every second of embracing the darkness, the worst part for him was feeling so responsible for every mistake someone else made. Bruce was basically hovering over his shoulder, criticizing every flaw until it was a raw wound on Dick's mind that would rattle him each time it could possibly come up again. A break from that awful monotony would be nice in its own way.

"No." The older man shook his head. "You will  _all_ be benched."

Dick shot up from his seat in affront. "WHAT?"

"Richard, I swear to God if you wake this baby..." Selina warned.

Cassandra's eyes went wide. "Why?"

"It isn't fair to simply ban some of you when this entire team hasn't been functioning. You all need a break. That is all this is supposed to be."

Selina wrinkled her brow. "Bruce... Are you sure about this? What about Gotham?"

"I've called in assistance from the JLA."

"Because we obviously haven't proved that we can watch over our own city. This is bullshit and you know it." Barbara said. "I'm not yours to micro-manage."

"I know." He said simply. "But you are Jim Gordon's."

"Oh my God, he's known about my alter egos for years!" She laughed. "I'm 26 years old and you are still trying to treat me like I'm the 16 year old high schooler who tried fighting crime in a homemade suit."

"And I've done nothing, but what you've said for the past... I don't know, 15 years?" Dick exclaimed. "I have never given you any excuse for your trust in me to waver."

"Doesn't feel too good, does it Golden Boy?" Jason asked.

"Dick, they're right. I can't have you out there by yourself. Gotham needs Batman, but it needs him alive more than anything."

"And you don't trust that after leading my own team and protecting my own city, I can't keep myself alive? I'm the only one who hasn't died here!"

"Is this because of what happened to me? It was a fluke." Cass was much quieter, but intensity radiated off of her.

"It better have been." Bruce said gravely. "I just want you all to focus on fixing whatever is going on between you all."

"You!" Stephanie said. "You are literally the problem right now."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"Everyone knows that's a crap excuse for an apology." Tim said.

"It isn't going to change anything. I understand why you're upset, but I'm not changing my mind. This is going to be good for all of you. Your little sister needs you this week and I trust you can all separate your current feelings towards me to take care of her. If this all goes well, I will not doubt you again and you will have earned respect and larger responsibility."

Everyone let that sink in and seemed to accept the terms enough. They were mad about them, but recognized that this might be their out.

"She's a baby. She does not require much." Damian rolled his eyes.

"Wrong." Selina said, deciding this was her moment to turn the conversation in another direction. "We have rules and you will all follow them."

"Of course you do." Jason sank into the couch cushions. "Can't you just give me a thing of flour and teach me responsibility that way?"

Selina exchanged a look with Bruce as if she was asking him if they could, in fact, do that as an alternative. His stare was a resounding no. Instead, he pulled out the color-coded list they'd made for this very moment. Selina wished there wasn't this cloud of anger hovering over them right now, but this was what they were left with.

"Helena is to wake up at 7 am for her morning bottle and changing." She read.

"7? Can we change that to like 10?" Steph asked.

"No! She's on a schedule."

"So am I. I'm a growing girl."

"Save it."

"I gotta agree with Steph on that one." Jason said. "I need my beauty sleep."

"Not all of us are ugly like you." Damian countered.

"Also, who is exactly delegated to diaper duty?" Tim asked. "Because it sure as hell better not be me."

"Why'd you look at me?" Barbara glared. 

"You're kind of maternal, but in a scary way."

"That doesn't mean I want to exclusively be the go-to person who handles the baby's craps."

"You will rotate." Bruce groaned. "I assume you can make a schedule."

"I will not touch another human's feces." Damian stated. "I am just a child."

"Oh  _now_ you're a child." Tim said.

"I'll fill your bed with her soiled diapers if you persist, Drake."

"You will not do that!" Selina said. "You guys have to be good role models."

"So, no guns?" Jason joked.

"No guns in general!" 

"Is that actually on that list?" He asked.

"It's at the bottom in the "miscellaneous" clause." She said.

"This is going to be a long list." Dick sighed.

* * *

 

The list was presented like this:

**Bruce and Selina's (Mostly Selina's) Guide to the Care of Baby Helena**

**Morning/General**

  * Helena is to be awoken and have her diaper changed at _**7 am**_. No, you may not wake her a minute earlier or later. We've worked very hard to establish a proper sleep schedule and do not want to return to a baby that has grown accustom to your bizarre and minimalist sleeping patterns. As for the changing, create a rotating schedule on who is supposed to take care of her when. There will be 7 of you and there are 7 days. It is recommended that if you can't handle the prospect of seeing a very natural part of life, you all just take one day to do it. 
  * No, you cannot simply hand her off to a different person each day. She is at the age where she is starting to recognize and distinguish new faces and voices. Let her practice this skill. 
  * On diaper changing itself: We have been using an imported brand of diapers from France that are soft and cushiony enough to prevent Helena from getting any remnants of baby rash. They are to be used at all times and you are by no means allowed to place pampers or any other regular store brand on her body. They are the best money can buy and we have them for a reason. There are more than enough stored in the basement. Seriously, you could change her 100 times a day for a year with that supply. As for wiping, be sure to sufficiently remove any remaining marks until her butt essentially shines. Change her on the changing table  _only_. Not the floor, not the table, not the hood of the Batmobile. THE CHANGING TABLE. 
  * Since we aren't breast-feeding, we still wanted to give Helena the best nutrition possible so yes, the formula you see in the refrigerator is imported and designed to simulate and double the nutritional values of breast milk. Feed her _**EXACTLY**_ 7 oz (no more, no less) every 3 and a half hours. To be clearer, she eats at 7 am, 10:30 am, 2 pm, 5:30 pm, and 8:30 pm.
  * _**No sugar. At all.**_
  * Do not toss the baby, even if you think it's cute.
  * Push her around in her stroller for at least an hour a day. Strap her to your chest if you're out and about any longer.
  * Don't talk about how fat she is. We are promoting body positivity in this household.
  * Be careful not to let her near any small objects that she could choke on.
  * She's allowed to play with the dogs, but not the cat. Alfred the cat is not a fan of her yet. Make sure she doesn't get too close to their mouths. 
  * There are no limits to hugs and kisses, but make sure you're clean.



**Activities**

  * Do not perform any stunts in the house that could even potentially endanger her well-being. That means: running, hopping, jumping, flipping, sparring, pranking, climbing, etc. Pretend you are constantly walking in a minefield and you should be fine.
  * Do not just plop her in her play chair for the entirety of the day. Interact with the child.
  * She does enjoy her play chair, but make sure her neck is supported. She's getting good at lifting her head and holding it steady, but it's not a mastered skill yet.
  * Do not watch/listen to anything inappropriate while in her presence and worst of all, don't have her listening to it.
  * So no, you cannot introduce the baby to your interests unless they are rated G or nursery rhymes.
  * Make sure she doesn't watch more than 2 hours of TV a day.
  * Music is fine throughout the course of the day, but nothing mature and preferably instrumental tracks.
  * The Wiggles are a top choice as well.
  * Games you should engage in with her: Peek-a-boo, splish splash (for bath time), dance party, puppet time, blowing raspberries, animal sounds, reading (there will be a list later on under bedtime), hide and seek (nothing complicated; just put a blanket on your head), and feel free to play with all of her toys.
  * Do not bring additional toys as they have not been approved. If you must, run it by Alfred.
  * If you decide to take her outside, ALWAYS put sunscreen on her and a sun-hat. I know it's fall, but we are not trying to have a leathery child. Speaking of lotion, moisturize her with the specific baby care product that has been left in every room of the house. Do it every three hours except for when she's asleep.
  * Let her touch and feel items in her environment as long as they are safe. If you wouldn't trust the object with a wild animal, don't trust it with Helena.
  * _**WIPE HER HANDS OFF WHEN SHE IS DONE OUTSIDE**_
  * **DO NOT** take her anywhere that could expose her to excessive germs, any danger, or anything traumatizing. 
  * No strangers to Bruce or me can hold her.
  * Tummy time: must be done on a hard surface such as the floor and is to be done for 5-10 minutes, 2 hours after feeding, 3 times a day. Tummy time occurs from 9-9:10 am, 12:30-12:40 pm, and 4-4:40 pm. Even if Helena gets irritable, do not stop until at least 5 minutes have gone by. She usually likes to play with rattles during tummy time. It is recommended that at least one of these times includes her laying on someone's stomach for its duration.



**Bathtime**

  * Bath time is at 7 pm; no earlier and no later. We are trying to establish healthy bedtimes and routines here and ensure that she is clean, unlike most of you, who still need to be told to go take a shower. 
  * Even if you think the room is hot, do not open a window. She cannot catch a chill or a cold on your watch.
  * She still bathes in her seat on account of it supporting her head. Yes, she looks chubby in it. This is because she is chubby. 
  * Fill the water in her little tub to 3 inches deep. Again, these are not suggestions. Do you  _want_ her to drown? Because she could. So could most of you, probably.
  * The water should be warm. That does not mean hot. That does not mean cold. WARM. What is warm? You might be asking? Warm is about 90 degrees Fahrenheit. There will be a thermometer for you to check. 
  * This shouldn't need to be said, but do not bathe her in a bathing suit just because it looks cute.
  * Use a warm rag to get all the cracks and crevices. Be extra gentle with the more sensitive regions.
  * Let her play with something that isn't the shampoo bottle. We don't want her to eat it.
  * Play splish splash with her for a little, but no more than a few minutes.
  * This bath should last about 10 minutes and no longer.
  * Shampoo her with _**BABY SHAMPOO**_ every other day unless she gets something in her hair. Fill a cup with water to rinse it out and dear GOD do not dunk her.
  * Use a thin and damp rag to wipe off her gums. Do this by wrapping it around your finger and gently insert it into her mouth.
  * Dry her off with a large and fluffy towel until there isn't a speck of water on her.



**Bedtime**

  * Bedtime is anyway between 8:30 and 9pm, depending on whether or not she falls asleep after her bottle.
  * You are to read her  _ **ONE APPROPRIATE**_ bedtime story. Below are some appropriate choices as well as some inappropriate choices.
  * Appropriate titles:  _Goodnight, Moon_ by Margaret Wise Brown,  _My Lucky Little Dragon_ by Joyce Wan,  _Sweet Dreams, Sam_ by Yves Got,  _Song of Night_ by Katherine Riley Nakamura,  _Polar Bear Night_ by Lauren Thompson,  _No More Yawning_ by Paeony Lewis,  _Sleepy Bears_ by Mem Fox,  _Counting Kisses: A Kiss-and-Read Book_  by Karen Katz,  _Love Always Everywhere_ by Sarah Massini,  _Snuggle Up with Mother Goose_ by Iona Opie,  _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ by Eric Carle,  _Peace at Last_ by Jill Murphy, and  _Old MacDonald Had a Farm_ by Siobhan Dodds.
  * Inappropriate choices: ANYTHING with foul language, drugs/other substances, death, violence, disease, sex, crime, crudeness towards others or themselves, raunchy material, too complicated for a baby to understand.
  * You WILL make the voices for talking animals and other characters. Before you ask, yes, Bruce does do this too.
  * Helena sleeps in footed onesies that are all laid out with one per evening. Do not reuse them.
  * Make sure her diaper is clean before she goes to sleep.
  * We have her listen to Mozart when she sleeps, because it is supposed to increase their IQ. No, we do not currently have a dumb baby before you ask.
  * If she is fussy and will not sleep, skin-to-skin contact usually works.
  * If she has to cry herself to sleep, you will not disturb her.
  * Leave all lights but her moon night light off.
  * She sleeps with one blankie and if it is not there, she will not sleep. DO NOT LOSE THE DAMN BLANKET.



**Misc**

  * _**NO**_ sex or other sexual displays of affection.
  * _**NO**_ guns or any other weapons.
  * _**NO**_ outside pets or other-wordly creatures.
  * _**NO**_ smoking or drinking.
  * _**NO**_ superhero related business.
  * _**NO**_ foul language.
  * _**NO**_ fighting.
  * _**NO**_ loud noises.
  * _**NO**_ rough-housing.
  * _**NO**_ touching the thermometer.
  * _**NO**_ stunts.
  * _**NO**_ computers or other screens that might damage her eyes.
  * _**NO**_ scarring stories.
  * _**NO**_ brainwashing the baby to hate her parents.



* * *

"It's just a few little things." Selina shrugged.

Every kid seemed like they'd just been struck with a whirlwind of knowledge.

"If you can handle all of this, you are all permanently reinstated and your duty will not be called into question again." Bruce said. "It's as simple as that. Work together and it will be fine."

Dick paused. "Our _current_ duties?"

He met his gaze. "Yes."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make the list as un-boring as possible with Selina's obvious snark embedded, but it will all be very necessary for the upcoming chapters.


	4. In Too Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes a lot longer than Alfred expected for shit to hit the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I suck and took forever to update! Finals and life were a lot, but here it is!
> 
> "In Too Deep" by Sum 41

The boys all wrestled to pile Bruce and Selina's many bags into the car. There were only a few fights in the process that ended with minimal amounts of blood.

"I don't get why they need all of this stuff." Jason said. "They're going to a couple's resort."

"What do you mean?" Damian asked.

"Like, there's no way this is all clothes."

"Clothes are essential. As is kevlar." The young boy said as he shoved a heavy duffle bag in the back of the limo.

Jason nudged Dick. "Selina wouldn't need clothes if she was going on this trip with me."

Dick wrinkled his nose. "Dude, gross."

"Not  _Selina_ , specifically."

"Why are you into all of Bruce's exes?"

"First mother and now this."

"Hey, that shit with Talia doesn't count." Jason flared a bit, but relaxed when he looked at Damian. The kid rarely ever mentioned his mother anymore ever since she'd fallen into a coma. The League had thrown her into the pit with due diligence, but she hadn't made any contact with Damian since her rising.

He cleared his throat. "I just mean that if I had a girl on a couple's resort private beach, we would not be getting any tan-lines."

"Because of the sunscreen?" Damian asked.

Dick sighed. "Ignore him, Dami."

Bruce designated a proper goodbye to each and every one of his family members.

He gave Dick a firm pat on the shoulder accompanied with a "don't screw this up" intense stare. Barbara received a nudge and a "don't let him kill himself in the process" intense stare. Jason got a squeeze on the arm with a "don't start shit" intense stare. Cassandra got an awkward hug as well as a "don't die again" intense stare. Tim had a handshake and a "don't go completely insane" intense stare. Stephanie with a solemn nod and a "don't even try it" intense stare. Duke was also nodded at and given a "don't let them scare you" intense stare. Damian was patted on the head that came with a "don't smother the baby" intense stare. He and Selena spent 30 minutes hugging, kissing or doting on baby Helena before they finally handed her over to Alfred's capable arms. She didn't seem to mind the transition much, judging by her wide blue eyes and bright drooly smile. He returned the smile without abandon and bounced her up and down to get her giggling.

Bruce reached out to dab her chubby cheek with his pocket square. "Do try and keep her from spittling on herself too much eh, Alfred?"

"And to think, I would be lost on the knowledge of childcare without you, Master Bruce. What is spittle, again?" He drawled.

Selina nudged her husband. "Alright, Big Guy, I think they've had enough of our craziness."

"That's for sure." Jason muttered. "You two have merged into a two-headed monster that speaks fluently in babytalk."

Tim turned to him. "Don't even pretend you don't get all gooey around the baby."

"In PRIVATE and by the way, fuck yourself."

"Language!" Bruce covered Helena's little ears.

"Holy shit, what if those were her first words?" Jason laughed. "She'd be the most badass baby ever."

Bruce looked to Dick. "Feel free to tape his mouth shut."

"Sounds like Jason's sex life." Steph smirked.

"Steph!"

"Sorry, his old sex life." She corrected. "Since he's on a "searching for love" kick."

"Eh, I'm willing to put that on hold for this week."

"That's actually sweet." Selina mused.

He cocked his head to the side in a way that let Bruce know that while Jason did have the capacity to be sweet, this was not going to be one of those moments.

"Just don't do anything to break the rules."

"Okay, this is getting unbearable. She's literally going to be fine." Barbara groaned. "Ten fingers, ten toes, drooly head happy and healthy on top of her meatloaf-shaped little body."

Dick wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "You know, she's babysat us Robins for all of these years and we've ended up okay."

She looked around at his brothers and then back at him. "Well, 'okay' is a loose term, but I'll take the compliment."

"Besides, there is more to the child's anatomy than that, Gordon." Damian tsked. "I hope you become more aware of biology when you inevitably produce your own child with Grayson."

Barbara and Dick seemed to simultaneously choke on their respective tongues. Damian didn't even try to understand what was so awkward about saying that while Bruce looked a bit expectantly at Dick. Selina nudged her as she slunk by.

"Just try to uphold this promise better than the one you made me before the wedding."

"What could happen?" Dick asked. "We've already had two pregnancies, discovery of sexual identity, bursting out of cakes, ninja fights, drunk Damian, sex-bets, and Jason in a dress!"

"Why would you say anything?" Cass sighed. "You know what happens when you say things."

"I try to tell him." Barbara said. "The boy wonder does not listen."

"We're all going to die, aren't we?" Duke asked Tim, who shrugged.

Bruce tightened his jaw as Selina made another valiant effort to shoving him out of the door. Alfred trailed shortly behind, ready to drive them to the airport. Hell, he would have blasted them all to the moon at that point. Cass was safely holding the baby and walked her over to the window so they could wave goodbye. Selina looked a little like she might cry as she hastily turned back into the car. She was too young to start consciously waving goodbye, but her little arms were flailing all around excitedly as her mom and dad finally made their way out the door.

"Just remember!" Bruce called over his shoulder. "This is a learning experience. You all need to work togeth-"

And just like that, they were in the car and gone.

* * *

The first 30 minutes of babysitting went fine. In fact, everyone was immediately bored. Duke and Tim were having a catch on the front lawn while Cass took the first shift in baby-watching. Stephanie was also in the room, but purposely sat herself on a separate couch away from them, claiming she was feeling tired and wanted to lounge. Cass accepted this, because it had not been that long ago that Steph's body went through the trials of labor as well. She didn't understand what it felt like, but judging by the curses that formulated in her already foulmouthed best friend's vocabulary, it hurt a lot.

Besides, giving up the baby had already changed Steph in ways no one was quite comfortable bringing up yet. It hadn't become too obvious of a problem yet for anyone to pinpoint it as such. To everyone, she just seemed a little tired, but Cass feared it was something else and was more than willing to let her rest. 

"If everyone had the learning capacity of babies, we would all be geniuses." Cass said as she laid across the floor with the little lump. 

Cass liked Helena. She didn't speak and communicated solely through noises and body language. This made her incredibly attune to everything the baby needed before she needed it. 

Steph threw a piece of popcorn in the air and it bounced off her nose and disappeared into a couch cushion, joining hundreds of its brothers and sisters as well as millions in pocket change. She barely even considered what Cass was saying. She'd been spewing baby crap knowledge since Helena had been born. Of course, there was always the essence that she walked on eggs about it around Steph. Everyone was afraid to set her off. All Steph needed was an outlet and right now, tossing popcorn in the air seemed to be taking up that space. It wasn't quite the same as kicking Riddler's teeth in, but it would do. 

"If you like babies so much, maybe you should just marry them." She tried at the old joke, but Cass kept going.

"They could learn any language, because they're blank slates."

"That doesn't sound so smart to me."

"I was a blank slate." Cass said quietly.

Steph shook her head. "You had world experience. Idiots don't have that. That baby? She's probably seen these hallowed halls and a few baby parks. That doesn't exactly create a fountain of knowledge."

"She will be smart one day." Cass cooed at the baby. "She will be whatever she wants."

Steph threw her legs over the couch. "She will be sick of everyone if you guys keep smothering her."

"Have you even held her?" She asked.

"Pfft."

"That's a no."

"That was a "pfft". I'm sure I've held her."

"You would probably know if you-"

"-I've held footballs and bombs. That's pretty much the same concept and I didn't get drool or pee on me from holding them." Steph rose to her feet. "Same principles of careful handling without dropping."

"Okay." Cass decided to drop it. "If you're not ready..."

"I'm not ready." She said. "I haven't even showered or eaten a proper breakfast. I'm not ready for the day at all."

"Breakfast? It's 2 in the afternoon!" Cass called after her.

"Yeah, but it's morning somewhere." She disappeared down the hall, the complete opposite direction from a shower or kitchen.

* * *

 

Jason and Damian were both trying to figure out how to break into the bat cave. Neither knew they were both trying to do this until they awkwardly bumped into each other when coming face-to-face in the airvents while coming in opposite directions.

"Todd! You fool! I was about to smite you."

"Yeah, good luck with that, demon brat. I could kill you with a fly swatter."

"Tt" 

"You looking for the cave too?" 

"Father is of course too brilliant to forget to misdirect the ventilation systems. I wish I would have thought of it sooner."

"I can't believe he's really comfortable leaving Gotham to some outsiders."

"I am not sure he can completely let go."

"Oh no?" Jason asked.

"I thought about what you were saying about his bags being heavy."

He raised an eyebrow. "Holy shit... He brought the bat suit, didn't he?"

"As well as all of our suits, most likely. He is committed to this ridiculous idea."

"I've never heard you disagree with him like this."

"Gotham is in danger so treason is acceptable."

"I don't need a red dome or guns to fight crime." Jason said. "I'll do it with my bare hands if I have to."

Damian looked at Jason like he was seeing him in a new light. It wasn't quite admiration, but it wasn't the usual tint of disdain. Jason could get used to it.

"I'm listening."

"Yeah." Jason winced as he wriggled his arms. "First we need to get out of here. I'm not 3 feet tall like you."

"I am 5 foot 1!"

"Oooh, sorry you little troll."

* * *

 

Barbara was helping her Birds of Prey while Dick sat at the counter and ate a bowl of cereal. She rolled her eyes as he went to grab for his second (or was it third) round.

"Your teeth are going to rot out of your head. No, not you Zinda. I swear, the water isn't poisonous."

"You know, this whole "week off thing" could be good." Dick ignored her comment. "I might start building models."

"You are not." She said. "No, not you Dinah. You  _are_ going to climb in that sewer."

"Really!" He said. "I've never been a guy with hobbies. Maybe I'll catch up on all of the lingo that's been lost on me."

"Heh, yeah, okay."

"Or maybe I'll watch Netflix."

"That dwindled down quickly." She said. 

"You keep squashing my dreams."

"Of model building and lingo learning? It sounds like I'm saving your dignity, Grayson."

"So, the baby is pretty much the most adorable person ever." He was looking anywhere but at her at this point

"Yeah, Helena sure is a cutie. Not you, Hel- you know what? Sure. Now, will you go in for the drop?"

"It'll be interesting being alone with my brothers and sister and Steph and Duke-"

"I know you're afraid." She said. 

"What?"

"Of messing up."

"I'm not going to mess up." Though even he had to admit it wasn't very convincing.

"I know you're not." She looked at him pointedly. "Which is what I'm trying to tell you."

"I'd like to not be monitored anymore." He said absently. "Bruce's promise is tempting."

"And also bullshit."

"Probably."

She sighed. "Dick, just go talk to him."

"Hm?"

"Tim."

"I did talk to Tim."

"Yeah and it didn't totally look like you two were about to break out into a fight. You're the older brother and you need to be the bigger man."

"He hates me." He said sadly and it was so full of hopelessness that Barbara put the birds on hold and placed her headset down to walk over to him, settling between his legs as he wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her closer.

"Tim has the right to be annoyed." She phrased her words carefully. "But I disagree with how he's lashing out. I think he just needs an honest apology."

Dick nodded. "Maybe you're right."

"I usually am, my love." She joked and stroked his cheek. 

"And if he doesn't accept my apology?"

"With those beautiful puppy dog eyes?" She shook her head. "Impossible."

"Like you said, he has the right to be mad even if I don't exactly regret what I did. Even if it was Bruce-like."

"You made him feel like Red Robin isn't important whether it was your intent or not. He, in turn, is doing everything he can to make you feel like you are not important to him. He's a teenager. When you were 17, you couldn't completely understand the risks Bruce took, right?"

"I guess, but I wanted to be better than..." He sighed. "I didn't want to make Tim feel that way."

"Tell him that, you dork." She shook him lightly. "I'm tired of the most adjusted batboys fighting. Leave that to the other crazies, okay?"

He smiled. "Okay."

She leaned down to kiss him, but a knocking came from above that turned into a full-out crash and both of their eyes trailed upwards. "50 bucks that's Damian."

"My money is on Jason." She groaned and they both got up to go check where the crash came from.

Babs left the computer unattended.

* * *

Bruce fidgeted for the millionth time in his seat while Selina checked her phone yet again. 

"They didn't call?"

"You don't see any signals in the sky?" They both asked at the same time.

"Both of you need to calm down." Alfred sighed. "I will be with them the entire time."

"That does make me feel a little better." Selina admitted. "I love the kids, but everyone in this family has a habit of being distracted."

"That's been their issue lately." Bruce sighed. "But we are going away on vacation to forget about all of this."

"And we'll only facetime Helena 5-6 times a day."

"I'm not answering more than 3 times." Alfred said. "And I won't go higher."

"Fine." They muttered.

"What's that up ahead-" Bruce began to ask before the explosion hit them head on. He'd just barely reached out to get his distress signal turned on, but he dropped it and everything turned blank.

 


	5. Middle of Nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Selina are... fine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Middle of Nowhere" by Hot Hot Heat

Sunlight streamed through the soft beige curtains and cascaded across every corner of the room. Before he opened his eyes, he noted that there was the distinct sound and smell of the ocean nearby, but they were not rocking back and forth. They clearly weren't on a boat, but on solid ground. Another astute observation was that whatever was positioned beneath him was soft and forgiving on his forever-exhausted body. He turned to burry his face in the foam pillow that propped his head up. It felt like he was wrapped in a cloud and warmth.  

He dared to reach out and felt smooth and familiar skin beneath his calloused fingertips. He paused to feel Selina's body move up and down softly in comfortable sleep. 

It was here he cracked an eye open- unable to resist looking at the woman of his life. He couldn't see her face since she was turned towards the window like he was, but he could still tell she was at complete and resolute peace. Her shoulders lacked any tension and her breathing was steady, absent of nightmares or stress to weigh her down. Sometimes, it was easy for him to get lost in his own paranoia and forget how much she worried about him and their bubble of a family.

He was safe. 

This was not something he got to ponder over too thoroughly. He wished sometimes he'd built a life for himself and his family that didn't include dodging bullets (sometimes unsuccessfully) or facing nightmares (and being engulfed by them) or death (and dying). He always usually snapped back to the idea that he'd never have any of his children had he not chosen this path. Had his parents never been murdered on that cold awful night, he'd never have went on to become Batman. He'd never have adopted Dick, Jason, Tim, or Cassandra. He wouldn't have met Talia and produced Damian. He never would have met Selina and fallen in love. He never would have circled back to now. 

His heart yearned to see Helena, but at the thought, his head began pounding like he'd been hit by a truck. Everything suddenly felt very hazy.

He blinked it away and rolled over to stare up at the ceiling of the little bungalow. A ceiling fan was spinning lazily as a result of the natural sea breeze that engulfed the entire island. It didn't seem possible that they could have this getaway, that they could have this peace. Their lives were so often long nights and big risks and so rarely quiet mornings with ocean breeze. In fact, he couldn't even remember a time in his life where he actually enjoyed the beach after his parent's death.

Well, he distantly remembered taking Dick and Jason once when they were younger. Jason was just a boy and full of life in spite of the hand life had dealt him. He was so full of joy and happiness for a boy that ultimately came from nothing. He was spunky and rebellious, sure, but Bruce wished he could preserve that warmth that used to radiate off of Jason. He supposed it was just starting to come back in slow glimmers. Dick was 16 and just about to go off and be with the Titans to try and become his own hero, a decision that looking back, still terrified Bruce. It wasn't for the reasons Dick believed, though. Bruce always believed in him. He just didn't believe in the world. He was right in a way, but wrong about his son's resilience. He hoped he continued being wrong. Guilt built in his stomach about how he'd left things with them and the others. He felt even worse when he thought about the suits in his bags. 

Where were his bags?

His head hurt again, like it was nagging at him to snap out of a daze. 

Just then, Selina stirred. She yawned and stretched like, well, a cat. All of his attention was instantly on the woman beside him, who was currently taking stock in the way her smooth legs felt against the soft white sheets and how the golden sunlight felt on her face. She hadn't even registered him as an existing factor quite yet and was just coming to actual consciousness. Still, it was worth it alone to see the softness of her usually harder features. Motherhood had only made her more radiant than she was before. Bruce always considered his wife a ruthlessly breathtaking woman with a shrewd intoxicating quality. He never thought of her as soft and considered she might take it as an insult if he did. Maybe she still would, but he understood now more than ever that she was capable of being tough as nails, but tender as well. Tenderness, sometimes, was more inherent of strength.

She raised a hand to wipe any remaining bleariness from her beautiful emerald eyes before focusing on him. Her smile only broadened then and he swore that his heart skipped a beat in his chest. There was no way she didn't know how much she had the big bad bat wrapped around her little finger. It wasn't as much as Helena, that was for sure, but she still had her grip on him.

"Hey, Handsome." Her voice was thick with sleep, but he thought she sounded amazing and light.

"Good morning." He smiled down at her.

"Have you been up awhile?" She asked.

He shook his head, even if he had absolutely zero concept of time. This was another rare luxury for him. Usually, the idea of being unaware of the time or day or even month would give him anxiety to his core. But here, warm and tangled in sheets on the beach with Selina? He didn't mind it. In fact, the security of not knowing actually further pushed him in a direction for a crossroad he'd been stuck at recently.

He never considered himself someone that could be labeled a simple man, but age had changed that. He didn't need much. He needed Selina, the kids, and Alfred. That was it. 

Selina chuckled.

"What?" He asked, though he could feel the corners of his own mouth twitching already.

She raised a hand from where it had been stuck between them under the blankets so she could stroke his stubbled cheek with the back of her hand. 

"Even on our anniversary trip, 3,000 miles from home, your head is still stuck in Gotham."

"Actually, I was thinking about family."

"Which is in Gotham."

"Not all of it." He took her hand and kissed it, never taking his eyes from her. "But if you're afraid you don't have my full attention, fear not, I'm all yours."

"That," She shuffled closer so their chests almost touched. "Is a very promising statement, Mr. Wayne. You sure you can own up to it? For a whole week?"

He leaned in so their noses touched. "Forever."

She wrinkled her nose. "That was corny. You sure you're not taking cues from your eldest?"

"They seem to work for him." He said quietly. "Look at his dating track record."

"I thought you tried not to."

"Sometimes, it's tough to ignore. Tough to keep track of as well? Of course, but still, impressive for the most part."

"Excluding all sexual implications, I'm assuming."

"Oh, indubitably."

She smiled again. "I'm glad we came here."

Bruce wasn't sure where one smile began and the other ended, but his face didn't even hurt like it tended to when he smiled too much at galas or political events that required superb acting. Sometimes, he found himself more exhausted from those events than he did from being the Bat. It was easier to be yourself beneath a mask. 

Lotus Cove was the right choice for them. It was private, quiet, and relaxing. Its exclusiveness was a major appeal for Bruce, because the vetting processes seemed secure to him. He wasn't going to go to just any private island couple's getaway. It had a military base on the other side of the island, guarding and protecting the vicinity from intruders trying to spy on celebrities. They did not need one of Gotham's finest showing up to ruin the day. That could have applied to either heroes or villains. 

Every couple got their own secluded bungalow on the beach and basically their own beach to themselves. He wasn't sure how many other pairs would be scattered across the island and knew they would eventually run into them, because there were group activities (he hoped they were mostly optional) and everyone went to eat in the restaurant. He wondered how long it would take them to venture out that way or if they would opt for room service for every meal. Selina would likely be interested in exploring a bit at some point, but he would have been totally satisfied remaining in the confines of their bungalow the entire week.

Anything as long as they were together.

"We really needed this." He agreed.

"We should call Alfred and see how Helena is." Selina said. "I'm sure she misses us."

"Alfred?" He asked.

She wrinkled her brow. "The real person in care of our baby?"

He felt something was wrong, but not in a logical sense. Like he'd just awoken from a nightmare he couldn't remember. He couldn't place the feeling.

Helena was 3 months old. The odds of her being too aware of the difference between Bruce and Selina's presence and everyone else's was slim. Sure, she likely could recognize the presence of her own mother. She'd spent enough time with her, but something told Bruce that as long as she was properly fed and pampered, the little baby would have zero issue with her parents living it up. 

It wasn't like him to be so carefree. Maybe it was the sea breeze. It still made him feel foggy.

"After breakfast." He said as he leaned down to kiss her lips. "She's cranky when she doesn't eat anyway."

"It's later there than it is here." She said. 

"I trust the kids."

"Do you?" She quirked an eyebrow. "They don't seem to think so."

"She's their sister." He nodded. "They love her."

"Damian asked us to consider adoption."

"He wanted to stay the youngest." He shrugged. "It'll be fine."

"Bruce Wayne." She leaned back to look at him better. "Are  _you_ telling  _me_ to relax?"

"What? Is that wrong?"

"It's... weird." 

"Well, I'm in vacation mode."

She leaned up to kiss him again, this time lingering a bit longer. "I didn't even know you had one of those. I thought you were a one-mode guy."

"Even I can evolve. Let me show you." He climbed so he was situated above her, legs tangled, an arm on either side of her. He looked down at her like she was unreal, like she was a dream. Her gaze wasn't any less exceptional. He was just as peculiar and enchanting to her as she was to him. They would always discover new things in each other while also taking solace in how well they knew each other. Neither needed to speak to have intimacy. He settled perfectly between her legs while her hands naturally found the broad muscles of his back. 

As pajamas are discarded in every which way and they fell into motions that should have felt routine, but felt refreshing and anew to them, all thoughts of the outside world become more distant. Everything about it felt familiar, but with more sighs and small laughs than some of their angst-ridden rendezvous. Hands caressed out of fondness and love, as opposed to any underlying appreciation at risk of never feeling them so viscerally ever again. In their lines of work, it was easy to be consumed by it. They were consumed by it. Right now, they merely consumed each other.

* * *

 

Sadly for Bruce, the interactions with other people came a lot quicker than he'd hoped. In fact, it happened almost as soon as they stepped onto the beach. He had about 2 whole seconds of privately taking in the sight of his wife in a green bikini before another couple crashed their two-person party. He expected Selina to be just as apprehensive as he was. She didn't trust easily and she certainly didn't have much regard for strangers, but she flipped on a dime right in front of him. She was smiling and friendly. Perhaps, she also had a vacation mode he didn't know about. He figured she did, but assumed it was more involved with fun adventures while naked. 

Mark and Jill Benson were celebrating their fifth year wedding anniversary, dressed fully in fake Hawaiian garbs (Mark had a grass skirt on too), and sun-kissed skin. It was hard not to run into them, as they were walking miles down the beach hand-in-in. Judging by the obvious clamminess of both their hands, they rarely separated. Even still, they seemed over-enthusiastic to have company outside of each other. He guessed that they didn't have the ever plundering safety of the world to discuss. That was always a subject that kept conversation flowing if all else failed for Bruce and Selina.

They believed they'd been there for a few days, but lost track of time in the midst of festivities and alcohol. It was easy to do, apparently, and they feared that one day, one of the cabana boys was just going to put all their stuff on the curb before they knew it. Considering they were pretty filthy rich much like the Wayne family, Bruce had a feeling this wouldn't actually be an issue for them.

What was an issue for Bruce, was how easy it was getting suckered into eating with these two. He hated double dates. He'd been on a few in his past and they never worked out. The other couple was always overcompensating and annoying and these two were no exception. He looked to Selina to see her annoyed expression, but she seemed thoroughly interested. Did she become a swinger over night? Did she want friends outside their work? He could understand the desire. 

Mark was a trust fund baby and the sole inheritor of his father's fortune. Jill owned her own fashion line that was internationally well-acclaimed. She bragged that people wore her stuff at the Met Gala. Selina seemed impressed. Bruce did not know what this was or why baseball players would need a gala.

He had to admit that besides the company, everything else was absolutely perfect. He wondered if they somehow regulated the air, because it kept a soft breeze while also remaining comfortably warm. It was perfect for swimming, yet didn't drench anyone in sweat as most outdoor situations do in warm weather. All you had to do was walk up the path in the palm tree-shrouded section behind their bungalow and they reached the center of the resort. It truly was a resort, too. There was just about every water-themed sport/activity anyone could think of. There was an immersive spa with intensive massages. He briefly wondered just how many knots they would find in his back. He decided not to put them through that.

There were not one, not two, but ten different restaurants and that didn't include the buffet, which had something for everyone. There was a water park, casino, movie theater, volleyball, basketball, softball, tennis, golf, hiking, rock-climbing (both up a wall and the side of a volcano), shopping, wine tasting, dancing, and of course a hospital. It was like being in the center of a private town occupied by honeymooners and other romantic vacationers. 

Somehow, they managed to maintain the sound to this location, because he hadn't heard a peep in his deep sleep. Then again, he'd never slept like that before. He looked at each deliriously happy couple as they passed, conversation just as lazy as they seemed. Some of them probably had stressful jobs like them and yet all of the cares in the world were off their shoulders. Everyone looked in love. 

Bruce could possibly get in that mindset if he wasn't forced to listen to the shrill voice of Jill Benson as she went on and on about how she and Mark got engaged. He could listen without really listening and from what he gathered, it was a very typical "ring in the cake" scenario. Selina sold her surprise and excitement very well. He wondered what she made up for their proposal story. After all, he proposed still in the Batman suit where they first met.

"That's so romantic!" Jill squealed.

"Yes, well, he's quiet and broody, but he's mushy on the inside." Selina drawled.

Mark nudged him like they were remotely close enough to engage in such contact, but Bruce let it go. "Women, huh?"

He wasn't sure what that meant. Jill seemed annoying, Bruce knew this to be true. He knew this when they first walked up. But more importantly, he suspected Mark was an imbecile. He was the kind of guy to actively propose to and marry a woman, then proceed to act like some great inconvenience was weighed on his soul by the unfair Gods. The reality was, he chose to marry a woman he supposedly loved, and liked complaining about her, thinking it was a problem with women and not a problem with him. This was so much worse than being annoying. 

"She has a point." Bruce said and sipped his Margarita. "I'd do anything for her."

Mark shifted uncomfortably at the lack of jabbing the opposite gender.

The women went on to show pictures of their babies. Bruce was more interested in this part, always proud to show off his wallet-sized pictures of Helena that extended like an accordion. In it, he had pictures of his other kids from their school pictures too. Each fit their respective personalities so well. Dick's was from when he was graduating high school and he was smiling so wide and bright that it could have lit the night sky. Jason's was from when he was 13 and he had this little smirk that looked like he was ready to pants the photographer. Tim smiled shyly, clothes disheveled and looking like he hadn't slept much, but still so him as he posed for his middle school graduation portrait. Damian was barely smiling in his and wore a full suit for his most recent school picture, but he looked more relaxed than he had in previous years and Bruce considered that a success. As for Cassandra, who never went to traditional schooling, a picture of her posing with flexed arms was the substitute. He smiled when he went over each one. 

"It's so sweet you adopted all of those kids. Any grand-babies in the future?" Jill asked.

"Oh, Dick is totally getting married next." Selina answered before Bruce could. "I wouldn't be surprised if those two made like a million babies by the way they-"

"-That's enough." Bruce said awkwardly. "And your kids?"

"3 year old Twin girls." Mark smiled. "Holly and Lily."

"Pretty." Selina mused as he showed her pictures.

"So, where are you guys coming from?" Jill asked.

"Gotham City." Selina said. "You guys are from Coast City, right?"

"I know, I know, not a huge weather jump, but we needed to get away like everyone else." She laughed. "Work was killing me."

It sounded like she was basically taking the ideas of her assistants, but Bruce didn't say anything. He just decided to enjoy his drink and as much as the surrounding atmosphere as he could. The glow of tiki lights and the smell of fresh food was promising. He swore he could heard Jimmy Buffet in the background too, which was a vacation staple.

"Gotta take the lady out for a break when she gets a little too naggy, right?" Mark tried again.

"I'm the naggy one." Bruce said. "Selina grounds me."

"He needs it." She linked their hands. "But I need him too."

He hoped that they realized how inferior they were as a couple and would leave so Bruce could relax again. Being around other happy people was great in theory, but it seemed hypnotizing as well in a way that made him feel out of control. Time was flying around the clock in ways he couldn't comprehend. Night was taking over them so fast and he didn't even think he'd been sitting there for 20 minutes.

"How long does it take to get here from Coast City?" He asked.

The couple exchanged a look before bursting into laughter. "We have no idea."

Bruce wrinkled his brow. "What? It was that fast."

"No, we literally don't even remember it. I think we've drank too much." Jill laughed, but Bruce noted that she hadn't been drinking much at all.

Bruce Wayne had an exceptional memory. It was one of his greatest assets as a detective. Perhaps it wasn't quite eidetic like Barbara's, but it was still damn impressive. It allowed him to memorize the little details of crime scenes, physical appearances, and his surroundings. His memory could be considered the source of many crimes being solved and criminals being locked away. It saved lives to remember, but being able to make connections with his memory kept them alive. Then again, his memory had this dark and evil flip-side. The very tool that helped him reel in Joker countless times or beat Riddler in many battles of the wits was also the portal to a clear-cut painful past. He could see his parents die all over again if his psyche was in the mood. 

But he could not, for the life of him, remember how they got to Lotus Cove. 

* * *

 

"I can't believe you threw the football through the window." Duke grumbled. "You're supposed to be the nerd."

"A nerd that's kicked more ass than you." Tim still winced as he looked at the shattered glass door of the kitchen. It wasn't pretty and Alfred was surely going to kill him, but he'd done worse. Usually, he could slump some of the blame on his other equally responsible brothers, but this was not the case for once.

"Damian told me you sleep in Power Rangers pajamas still. I'm really not scared of you, dude."

"You're going to listen to the same kid that claims he's going to smite everyone in this family at least three times a week?"

"He is intense, but mostly honest." Duke said.

"Bruce would explode if he found out we got shards of glass in the same place their precious little cherub eats."

"Bruce would explode because your aim sucks."

"Shut-up."

Duke was about to return with a better comeback, but his eyes caught the attention of Barbara's blinking computer. On the screen, the big red letters "EMERGENCY- CODE 12" blinked over and over.

"Uh, Tim?"

"What?"

"What's a code 12?"

Tim's head shot up and he rushed over to her laptop instantly, not caring in the slightest that she would kill him for doing so in any situation that wasn't the most intense of an emergency. 

"Infiltration of the highest level." He said. 

"In the Manor?" Duke panicked.

Tim's fingers flew over the keyboard to find the source of the signal. "No, it's external, from one of our suits."

"But we don't have our suits."

He looked eyes with Duke. " _We_ don't, but do your really think Bruce would leave them here for us to sneak into?"

His eyes widened in realization. "Bruce is in trouble?"

"Big trouble."


	6. Take It On The Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe babysitting isn't their biggest worry for the week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Take It On the Run" by REO Speedwagon
> 
> Finally, the introduction of the true bread and butter of the story. Hope you all enjoy.

Cassandra and Stephanie weren't sure which sound they should go towards. There was the upstairs crash, which sounded like two bowling balls had dropped from the heavens and crushed everything in their wake. By the sounds of it, it came for the baby's room, which was worrisome in its own right. Then, there was the shattering sound coming from the kitchen. This meant that they were a lot closer to the potential intruder, which meant that little Helena was closer to the intruder. Also, there wasn't much sound coming from any of the other inhibitors of the Manor. It was possible that they were already temporarily restrained.

Stephanie hoped  _temporarily_ was the word.

Either way, she and Cassandra leapt into planning mode. The two naturally worked so well as a team together. They'd had their rough starts in the beginning such as broken jaws (Cass finally fessed up to breaking Steph's jaw a little bit) and relentless bickering (Steph finally admitted that she may talk too much sometimes), but now they were a well-oiled machine that functioned better than ever. The baby on board didn't dull the fine-tuning either.

Cass held her protectively to her chest and it weirded Steph out how much she looked like she'd been doing that for ages. Cassandra wasn't exactly raised in the most pleasant conditions, so she would never see herself as the type to grow up and raise kids. Stephanie knew she could be wrong about that. Nobody was more empathetic or loving in their family (sans for Alfred) than the second Batgirl. Her loyalty was fiercer than any blade.

"I'll go low you go high?" Steph asked.

"You aren't supposed to be overly physical." She returned.

"Oh, okay. So should the baby go low while I wait outside? I didn't think she could crawl yet."

She scowled and outstretched the little lump towards her. "Hold her and guard her with your life if you must."

"But-"

"Stephanie, I will check the kitchen first to ensure the threat is not near. Keep your senses alert and your eyes open. I will then go upstairs to investigate."

"Shouldn't Alfred have been back by now?"

It was difficult to read the look in her eyes, but Steph swore she saw wariness. That thought had clearly already been going through her mind.

She knew better than to argue with Cass when she started using absolutes so freely. The girl had a plan and was determined to stick to it. As apprehensive as Steph was to hold the baby that she'd never really touched before, this was the way it had to be. Someone like Steph, who had been out of the game of crimefighting for the past year, would not serve well as the immediate force to ward off an attacker. She knew this. She hated it, because it felt like a crutch, but it wasn't just about their lives right now. They had to think with the mindset that there was a baby around now. Steph didn't have the fortunate fate of forgetting about babies after her pregnancy. No, she had the luxury of seeing someone else's baby that was the exact age as hers and see how if she'd been smarter, it could have been better for her.

She took Helena and nodded at Cass. It felt like she was holding a tiny time bomb.

Cass disappeared into the shadows and Steph never felt more alone in this living room before. Yes, that included the unfortunate time that Bruce caught her in Tim's bedroom and made her sleep all the way downstairs in the living room. She'd spent the entire night awaiting the Dark Knight to swoop down from the banisters and give her the sex talk. Even worse so, she had to endure that speech from Alfred. She and Tim had never even gone in that direction and were just friends back then. She hadn't slept a wink that night.

Now, ironically, she had Bruce's pudgy offspring in her hands. Steph held her out, like she had a disease she couldn't bear to catch, and looked cautiously into the bright eyes that stared back at her in confusion. The baby was probably wondering why she was being treated like a glass doll as opposed to a living baby. 

"So, uh, hey." Steph hadn't even so much as gotten a moment alone with her, not that she'd fought for it too much. Sure, everyone else was doting and obsessed, which meant keeping her distance was easy, but she didn't try to build that bond. She never had any experiences with babies prior. Oh, yeah, and there was that one time one came out of her vagina, but she didn't think that counted since that baby was basically whisked away in a matter of moments to its-  _her_ rightful parents. She had dark hair like Helena did and even looking at this baby gave her a weird feeling in her chest. 

She didn't expect that her life was just going to go back to normal after giving the baby up for adoption. She knew she did the right thing in the long-run. Considering who the father was, it was better than running the risk of having him be able to show up and ruin the kid's life. She wanted her to have better opportunities than Steph did as a kid. She wanted things to be different and that meant changing the scene altogether. She'd done a closed adoption, because it hurt too much being able to be close. She didn't like to think about a grown version of her kid being super upset and depressed that her mother didn't want her. She gave a message to the adopted parents to give to her one day. If they ever did or didn't, was up to them, but it eased Steph's mind a bit on the matter. 

Just because she didn't expect her life to be normal didn't mean she'd ever think of herself as being weird around kids for the rest of her life. She hated herself for feeling resentful of Bruce and Selina either, because she had no right too just because they got their happy ending as a cute little family. No one deserved it more than them. Helena had loving parents and she deserved that. 

Drool dripped from the baby's mouth, which was followed by a little yawn.

"What time is it? Should you be sleeping soon or am I just boring?"

Steph was a lot of things, but she certainly wasn't boring, right? Especially not to someone with the attention span of a walnut.

"So, watch any good  _Sesame Street's_ lately?" Did kids even still watch that show? She'd never seen it, but it was the first baby-friendly show she could think of. Honestly, some of the shows that kids were encouraged to watch freaked Steph out more than the criminals of Gotham. She wasn't positive they weren't used for mind-control or to keep them stupid. Not that babies were stupid, but she was definitely smarter than a baby and she didn't spend her days watching  _Blue's Clues_.

Helena whined: she looked like her father when he got angry. Steph knew that look.

"Yeah, I get it. I wouldn't want to hang out with me either, but danger is danger, kid. I'm safer than leaving you on the floor somewhere."

More whines.

"Well, I don't know what that means. You gotta give me more than that." She thought back to when she'd once witnessed Selina know that Helena's cry was out of hunger. The cry hadn't sounded any more significant than any other baby cry. To Stephanie's knowledge, there hadn't been any secret code imprinted somewhere. That would have been more helpful than the stupid list that told them all not to have fun around the baby for the next 7 days.

She slowed up a bit, lip quivering from being on the urge to cry. Considering they were technically in a risky situation where they didn't want to draw attention to themselves, Steph frantically began thinking of ways to stop that from happening. 

"Okay, okay, how about we..." She looked all around the room for the secret cure of stopping a baby's cry. Hey, just because mom's and dad's have been trying to discover it for thousands of years didn't mean that the inexperienced Steph couldn't find it in the next three seconds.

There was a pacifier on the floor, which seemed like a good start.

"Bruce and Selina would want me to wash this off." She said, but Helena's eyes were filling up fast. "Oh, fuck it. You have to eat a pound of dirt before you die."

So, she popped the pacifier in the baby's mouth and watched. For a split second, the world stilled and everything seemed right.

She leaned back, admiring her work with a smirk on her face. "Wow, I think I-"

... But, Helena shot that binky out of her mouth like a bottle rocket. Luckily, it didn't get very far. Unluckily, it bounced right off Stephanie's nose. Then, Helena proceeded to sob. Loudly.

"Seriously? Most people would find that funny. You're definitely your father's daughter." She grumbled, but that didn't stop her from trying.

"How about we do peek-a-boo? I'm lowkey a champ."

She was not, evidently, because no matter what stupid face she made (and there were a lot of them), Helena Wayne could not be tamed. There was no way there could actually be a break-in at this point and if there was, the intruder probably heard her screams and wanted nothing to do with this house. Steph could not say she blamed them, because her ears were starting to ring. 

"Hey, it's your Superman plushie! Bruce hates this thing, but we all love that you have one." She picked the doll up off the couch and tried her best to make flying sounds. "It's a bird! It's a plane! It doesn't look like either of those things, because it's a hot dude in tights. I'm pretty sure Superman is your Godfather, right?"

Helena seemed amused for all of two seconds before going back into a thrashing fit. 

"Yeah, boy scout in blue doesn't do it for me, either, but maybe you're into villains." She looked around to see none. "That doesn't seem fair. That's ignoring like half of your history."

Helena didn't seem to agree. Or maybe she did, and she'd just been made angrier.

"Are you hungry? Because these titties are closed for business. How about you play with my hair and try to rip it out. I've seen you do that. You like that."

She hated Steph's hair. She had a theory that Helena had it out for blondes, especially since she was the only one. 

"WHAT DO I DO?" Steph held her out and contemplated on begging. "TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO?"

"Oh my God, did you break her?" Cass returned and looked like she'd just walked into the apocalypse unleashing before her. To be fair, she'd walked in on Steph essentially holding Helena up in the sky like she was offering her for tribute and both were pretty red-faced and bothered. 

"TAKE HER!" Steph almost threw the 3 month old into Cass's arms, but thought better of it. 

To her dismay, the little shit calmed down almost instantly. In fact, she settled on sucking on her hand. This seemed to satisfy her.

"Your hand was there the whole time!" Steph complained.

"What is wrong with you?" Cass asked slowly.

"I think she hates my guts." She sniffed herself. "Do I smell or something?"

"Why were you holding her like she was a stink bomb?" Cass asked as she bounced the baby lightly. Helena, feeling like a new baby, giggled and gripped onto Cass's t-shirt with her chubby little hands. She was a lot cuter when she wasn't screaming like the Tasmanian Devil. She looked back at Stephanie like she was unsure whether or not to attack, but that was still better than the waterworks. 

"Smell her, I think she might be one."

Cass did and winced when she put her nose to the baby's bottom. "Yeah, I think you're right."

"You're the baby expert, you change her."

"We're all supposed to take turns."

"It's not like the kid is going to tell on me."

Cass's eyes softened. "I know this is not easy for you after-"

"-After she went all demon on me, I know!" She knew this wasn't what she meant. Anyone and everyone knew what she meant. Steph was tired of everyone walking around her in ballerina shoes to avoid hurting her feelings. She needed to suck it up and she knew that. She just didn't know how, but she didn't want their sympathy. 

"Right." 

"So, like, are we going to die or not?"

"No!" Cass's face returned to a more neutral expression. "Tim and Duke broke the kitchen door."

"Upstairs?"

"Sounds like Jason and Damian are in trouble for that."

"So, I'm not the biggest mess here." Stephanie smiled. "Gotta love the boys. Do you wanna go spy on them?"

She paused. "Yeah."

* * *

 

Dick and Babs had just been in the middle of chastising Damian and Jason when Tim and Duke came barreling up the steps and barging into the (now destroyed) nursery. The boys looked around them in shock before returning back to their initial points of panic. Honestly, it was distracting. There was drywall everywhere the eye could land: in the crib, on the furniture, caked into the carpet, in the air. It was awful. Chunks and bits of metal from the air vents were everywhere too. Not to mention, there was the matter of the gaping hole in the ceiling that was going to be more than a little difficult to cover up in a week's time. It made Duke and Tim's broken kitchen door seem like a cakewalk. 

"The baby certainly can't sleep here tonight." Babs said, voice firm and full of discipline. 

"Or any night." Dick looked upwards at the hole again. "I guess she could sleep with us."

"That's not in the rules." Damian said.

"You're not supposed to shatter the ceiling either, but here we are."

"We're sorry for the billionth time." Jason groaned. "We obviously didn't mean to break the ceiling."

"That is not a sentence commonly used outside of this family, Jason." She sighed. "Bruce and Selina haven't even been gone for a day and their child's bedroom is already completely totaled."

"It was Todd's idea." Damian was taking whatever chance he could get at slipping away from blame.

"Uh-huh." Dick crossed his arms. "I knew you were too quiet for too long."

"Not that I don't  _love_ seeing Damian get in trouble, I do, because it does not happen enough." Tim interrupted. "But Babs, there's a code 12 on your laptop right now."

Barbara wasted no time in zipping down past them, dust floating behind her, as she raced down the steps. Tim wasn't far behind, filling her in on what he knew and *casually* slipping in the fact that the glass door was completely shattered. She gave him an irritated glance, but otherwise didn't comment. Bigger fish to fry and all that jazz. Jason and Damian were probably feeling insanely grateful to be left with Dick, who was probably already talking them up and trying to make them feel better. There was nothing Dick wanted more than to make sure nobody's conscience suffered. Too bad, he did a pretty lousy job of settling his own. Tim didn't have the mental capacity to be mad at Dick right now. Bruce could be in danger, or worse.

"So, you think it's Bruce?" He asked.

Her fingers flew across the keyboard like magic. "It's definitely Bruce. Maybe Alfred and Selina too."

"Can you access their tracking devices?"

"What makes you think I'm tracking them?" She fired back, but was already pulling some program up.

"Because you're the only person I know that can come close to out-batting the bat." Tim said. "Plus, you're pulling up their tracking devices."

"Just because you're flattering me, doesn't mean I forgive you for breaking the door." She mused, but then made a frustrated sound. "Blocked. Somebody jammed the signal to their suits."

"I knew he brought them." Jason said as the others entered the room.

"No,  _I_ knew he broke them, fool." Damian said.

"And yet, you still both tried to break into the lair to steal your costumes." Duke said.

"Really, Jay? Can't you just buy a red bicycle helmet somewhere and call it a day?" Steph teased.

He flipped her off.

"Not in front of the baby." Dick sighed, but there was no heat to it, because he was already hovering above Babs while she desperately tried to work out where Bruce had gone. "Babe, maybe Bruce was the one to block the signal. Maybe he's purposely going to a location he doesn't want us to know about."

"Hmm..." She thought about that for a moment. "That does sound like him, but that doesn't explain the code 12. That would mean that somebody purposely sent a distress signal, which only Bruce and Alfred know the location of. Why would he jam the signals of the suits right after?"

"You can see that he did it right after?" Duke asked.

Barbara gave him an "of course I can" kind of look and moved on. "It happened a fun minute later. Good news, it only looks like Batman and Catwoman's suits were disrupted. The others seem to be in perfect condition with a location near the park, which is where the initial distress signal came from."

"Click on that." Tim pointed. "Is that audio of the event?"

"Coming from Alfred's transmitter that's inside the limo, which is weird." She clicked on it. Most of it was just crackling and the sound of rough background voices. No one could hear Bruce, Selina or Alfred speak. There was a distant crunching followed by the sound of cackling. They knew that cackle all too well. Honestly, all of Gotham knew that cackle all too well. Jason and Barbara both seemed to go very still and cold at the sound, no matter how hard they tried to seem unaffected. Everyone else watched the screen as if video footage would appear. Finally, there were words.

_"Looks like we're too late, boss." The thick voice of a grunt said._

_"Not too late, just fashionably late to the party." Joker laughed. "I'll be sure to get my slice of cake."_

_"You think Bruce Wayne is really dead?"_

_"Nonsense. What fun would that be?"_

"Joker." Damian said with venom in his voice. 

"That doesn't explain where he is, though." Steph said. "His grunt said they were late."

"He knows something, though." Tim said. "It's not safe to assume he isn't going to be involved later."

"We cannot let that happen." Cass glanced down at the now napping baby in her arms. "We mustn't."  

"That's a pretty quiet back road." Dick said, his jaw clenched and a sheet of worry spread evenly over him. "I'm going to look at it. Jay? You coming?"

Jason only nodded.

"Why does Todd get to go? I should be involved in Father's rescue." Damian insisted. "He is my blood."

"I need a heavy hitter, Lil D." He said, but everyone knew it was because he didn't want anyone else to possibly have to see Bruce dead. He didn't really want Jason to see him either, but he knew Jason would disobey and come anyway. Also, if they did have anything heavy to bring back, he would be the most useful. 

"Besides," Jason began. "With all the shit I've seen, I'm least likely to puke if we see any dead bodies."

Cass kicked him in the shin, even if she knew it was a defense mechanism. Stephanie added to this by thumping him upside the head. He whined, but didn't say anything in retaliation. Everyone was terrified and nobody knew what to do.

"Here are some comm links. Temps, of course, because the real high-end stuff is meant for your suits." Barbara said and her eyes narrowed. "Be careful. I'm going to work on beating the safeguard in their suits to track them." 

"I'll help." Tim said.

"We'll... babysit, I guess." Duke said.

Dick nodded. "We'll be right back."

* * *

 

They had to go in civilian clothes since Bruce absconded their suits. Just because they were afraid of losing their parental figures didn't stop Jason from grumbling about how this would have been a lot quicker and simpler if Bruce hadn't taken away their stuff. Dick kept his head forward as he cruised through traffic on his bike. They all had their defense mechanisms. Damian lashed out, Jason joked no matter how offensively, Tim never rested, Stephanie repressed her feelings, Cassandra grew quiet and contemplative (more so than usual), Barbara worked herself half-crazy, Duke simply put on a tough face, and Dick remained as upbeat as possible. Right now, with Alfred, Bruce, and Selina all possibly missing, it was tough to remain strong. He half-wondered if this was a crazy test simulated by Bruce, but even this seemed extreme for Batman. 

"I can't believe a crash like this, with Bruce Wayne involved no less, received little to no media coverage." Barbara said in his ear. He was grateful for the company.

"It's gotta be a coverup. Who else is as rich as Bruce?"

"Richer, probably."

"There's always the Court of Owls." Jason suggested.

"Definitely not impossible." Babs said. "Not totally their style, though. They know that someone like Bruce Wayne wouldn't stay missing and unnoticed. Having a death like this is just asking for someone to go looking for conspiracy theories."

"The Owls are basically a conspiracy theorist's wet dream." Jason agreed. "Lex Luthor? He was pretty pissed you outsmarted him at the wedding, Babs."

Dick almost smirked at the memory if they weren't where they were now. "But he never found out Babs was Oracle."

"He did know that Oracle was connected to Batman."

"But, he didn't know Batman was Bruce."

"Or did he..." Tim said. "It's not impossible to think someone as smart as Lex would figure it out. He knew Batman was at the wedding."

"But Manhunter wiped his brain." Cass piped in. "He was left with little to no information on the matter."

"Plus, he's off world trying to destroy some other planet." Babs said. "I'm checking the intergalactic news."

"We're pulling up now." Dick said and they slowed down as they veered down the dirt road. "Alfred really wanted to take the scenic route to the airport."

"I'll say." Jason said and threw his leg over his bike to get off. He ripped off his helmet with practiced skill and walked towards what was obviously the remains of the car crash. There only remnants of the limo was the frame and a bunch of black ash, as if someone had totally torched the vehicle. This was likely, as it would erase most evidence from the scene. Of course, they were a lot better than most detectives. Both pulled out their phones to take pictures of everything they could. It felt trivial and old-fashioned compared to how they normally operated, but it would have to do. 

"What do you see?" Barbara asked.

"Good news is, no skeletons." Jason said.

"Todd, you belligerent asshole!" Damian barked.

"I said  _no_ skeletons, Jesus. I'm not the one who kidnapped them."

Dick bent down on one knee to carefully pluck the bits of a receiver on the ground. "This is definitely the limo, though. This is one of your designed comms, Babs."

"Broken?"

"Oh, this thing is burnt to a crisp."

"Firefly?" Cass asked.

"Nah, this is an aftermath thing. There's no love here." Dick said. "No art to the way the fire was done, you know?"

"So, it's a coverup to make us think they're dead and gone." Tim said. 

"Wait, where are our suits?" Steph asked from the background. "They're supposed to be there somewhere."

Jason and Dick looked at each other in confusion. There was nowhere to hide a bunch of suits, namely brightly colored ones such as theirs. 

"Press the homing signals." Dick said. "I'll see if I can hear them."

Sure enough, a blipping noise came from under a pile of nearby rubble. Beneath it, after much digging, the homing signals alone were found in a pile.

"Goddammit." Jason groaned.

"Language." Tim corrected. "Little ears are listening."

"Well, you better fucking  grow into them soon then." He snapped. 

"Somebody took the homing signals out of our costumes." Dick sighed.

"So, they know the costumes well enough to do that." 

"Are we ruling out the fact that Bruce did this?" Steph asked.

"I think the homing signals were purposely separated so you guys couldn't get to your costumes." Barbara said. "That's a Bruce move and explains why they're altogether. His was detached from his suit too, only he activated his."

"Any luck on that tracker?" Dick asked.

"Working on it. What about Alfred? Any signs?"

"Just that stupid hat he wore when he drove." Jason huffed a little. "Kinda looks like a super crispy potato chip now, but that's not the point."

"They must be all right." Damian assured. "Father would not leave his child."

"Yeah, he does love that baby." Tim said and while neither Jason or Dick was there, they could still feel the intensity of the glare Damian probably shot him.

"Wait! How can I be so stupid?" Barbara interjected, thus cutting the tension down the middle with a knife.

"I don't know." Damian answered and likely earned a glare of his own.

"What'd you find?" Jason asked. "Tell me it's a big ole pirate map to lead us to the old farts."

"Not quite a map." She said. "But it is pretty much an X-marks the spot, if that helps."

"Lay it on me, woman."

"The flight course changed last minute." She said. "I checked their flights a couple of hours ago and they were set to fly to one of Bruce's fancy private islands off the coast of Bali. Now? They're somewhere in California. That's where the private jet flew anyway."

"God, why?" Damian cringed. "Hollywood is an awful place."

"Not all of California is like Hollywood. Most isn't." Duke said.

"They're all ignorant hippies."

"Anyway, can we talk about how weird it is to completely change your anniversary trip at the last second?" Steph asked. "And to somewhere most likely more people-oriented, which is not Bruce."

"Plus, Alfred was on the itinerary." Barbara said. "He was listed this morning. I have a feeling none of these additions were made by Bruce or Selina."

"Alfred's on their honeymoon with them?" Dick asked. "Weird."

"Maybe they don't want a second kid right away." Jason said.

"Ew." Cass cringed.

"I think this is where they are." Babs said. 

"So, what do we do? Bruce isn't gonna be happy if we just crash his anniversary trip like this... Especially if everything is okay." Duke said.

"The crispy limo kinda squashes that theory." Jason said. "And if he is fine, we'll get a vacation out of it."

Dick raised his eyebrows. "You wanna go to California?"

"For Alfred? Is that a rhetorical question?"

"Babs, check flights." Dick said.

"As much as I  _love_ being told what to do without please's or thank you's, that's not a good idea."

He winced. "Sorry, high stakes. Why is finding Bruce, Alfred, and Selina a bad idea?"

"That's not the bad part." She said. "The flying part, however, is."

Neither Jason or Dick were catching on. 

"Well, because if the flight was hijacked or purposely mislead to this undisclosed location, we don't know who to trust. We're going to need to do this the old-fashioned way and we need to keep high numbers. We've got precious cargo. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, the manor isn't safe with Joker knowing Bruce Wayne is missing from it." She said.

"You keep saying "we" like we're all going to be road-tripping across America." Jason snorted.

"That, Robin 2.0, is because we are."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, how about that BatCat wedding ruining my life? Fun stuff, right?


End file.
